Leading People On: Are You Full of Shit?
A male friend’s facebook status:You women are funny! I kept it 100% with her from THE GATE! It’s not my fault if she caught feelings. I told her from jump, I’m not tryna get into a
relationship."
*sigh* Boys….and some girls.
Where do I begin?
The theme of “but you say she’s just a friend” comes up over and over and it’s one of the most frustrating parts of dating. In a nutshell, you meet someone, you begin to correspond, whether online, via phone, or by spending time together. It’s clear that there is an attraction there but not clear where it will lead or if the other person even wants it to lead anywhere.
That’s where things can get ugly.
Ideally, when you have a situation where you’re not sure if the other person is interested in exploring a relationship with you, you should be patient and not force things to be ‘defined.’ But I have found that this approach isn’t realistic because by and large, people are full of shit.
I have a friend who says that she believes that you can meet the right person at the wrong time. I agree with that statement. In other words, you can meet someone with whom you are totally compatible but they just got out of a relationship or they are sick or live too far away or are just generally unavailable emotionally or physically.
How you find out whether that person is unavailable or not all depends on how full of shit the person is. Usually, they will tell on themselves early on. But sometimes that person may not even realize they are full of shit. How you deal with finding out the person is unavailable all depends on how full of shit you are. I bring to you, Exhibit A, ME.
I have been on all sides of this equation. I have ‘dealt with’ a guy who told ME that HE wasn’t interested in a relationship. So, I got into my comfort zone when seeing him. Over time, it was clear to me that despite his claims that he didn’t want a relationship he was starting to develop feelings for me. But I told myself, he said he didn’t want a relationship so his newly developed feelings are his newly developed problem—not mine! In the end, he was really hurt when he finally confronted me about what our relationship is, and found that I wasn’t remotely interested in being his girlfriend. In a different situation, I was getting to know a guy and it was unclear whether or not he was interested in being with me, so I asked. He reacted like a damn fool. I was hurt and it was hard to cut him off. I allowed him to continue to lead me on until I finally had enough strength and good sense to unfollow his foolishness for good. In several situations, I was the one who was emotionally unavailable and justified my behavior because I’d told the guys that were trying to get to know me that I wasn’t interested in anything serious.
Bottom line, in each situation I was a jackass because I either took advantage of someone or allowed someone to take advantage of me.
There’s an undefined area in between meeting someone and dating someone in which you are getting to know a person but there is no commitment or EXPLICIT romantic interest. Some people may refer to it as friendship but I think that’s a misnomer for a few reasons.
“Friendship” implies that things are totally platonic. But you and I know that although that undefined area may not have a name, there’s nothing platonic about it (although things may become platonic later). Don’t think so? Compare your behavior with this new person to your behavior with the friends that you already have, you won’t find many similarities.
This undefined area is so fuzzy and indistinct that it brings out the asshole in 98% of the population, in particular, those who carry penises around with them.
This is not to pick on men, but to acknowledge that men are particularly skillful at making replica bonds and then, when a woman shows that they’ve developed feelings, the man says “You couldn’t tell these bonds were fake? Did you look at the tag?!” How horrifying to find out what you thought was a Gucci bond is actually an Ucci he got off Ebay.
A lot of us have walls around our hearts formed by the bricks of our bad experiences. The more bad experiences, the higher the bricks stack up. Now you want to be loved but not love. You want to be dishonest yet not deceived. You want to get to know someone without being self-aware.
'This undefined area allows people to achieve all of those things in one fell swoop. It is this undefined area that people who have commitment or intimacy issues will try to drag out forever and ever so that they can have the attention of an attractive person of the opposite sex without having the grown up responsibilities that should accompany it. That goes for both the person who is unavailable AND the person who is being led on (which is probably part of their pattern of being attracted to unavailable people).
Knowing this, I pay CLOSE attention to a man’s behavior during that undefined phase. It lets me know whether I am going to engage in a “cop and a drop.” A “cop and drop” means I enjoyed your ______ (attention, penis, affection, conversation, money, distraction) while it lasted and now I’m done because you are ______ (full of shit, a jackass, not my type, better off as a friend, meeting me at the wrong time) and now I’m going to _____ ( include you in my friendship circle, never talk to you again, burn some photos of you in effigy) [notice I didn’t include “lead you on or allow you to lead me on to believe this could be something more” as an option. We off that.].
At some point you just have to be honest with yourself. After a certain age, you don’t make many friends of the opposite sex with whom you exchange contact information after flirting just so that you can be that person’s platonic friend. Feelings on either side are not 'really' a surprise to act otherwise is dishonest. And whether you like it or not, you have a responsibility to be careful with other people's feelings. If you think otherwise, you’re probably one of the jackasses I’m talking about. If so, please re-read this post and do better.
xoxoxoxo
"It is this undefined area that people who have commitment or intimacy issues will try to drag out forever and ever so that they can have the attention of an attractive person of the opposite sex without having the grown up responsibilities that should accompany it." Can you say this again? People kill me with this one. First time I got thru the fire wall here at the office, but know that I'm a regular. Once again great post!
#chuuuch
Truth all up and through.
One major flaw is our itching to define a relationship (delivered as our expectations) from jump.
Soon as a dude says "I'm not looking for a relationship," I say "We're not to that part, yet."
My point is, let's just ride this little train for a second. Cause we could both mess around and change our minds and if we don't change our minds right, somebody will get hurt. No expectations, just... ride.
Having said that, I'm experiencing this same damn problem and I'm about to pull my hair out, because I just want your actions and your words to match. That's ALL.
Yassss!
Never make any one a priority that only makes you an option, isn’t that how the saying goes.
The problem is, in my opinion, women give too much energy trying to make a man like them enough to settle down in the begining. Some women succeed at this, but often those women have husbands who roam. Really I like a man to be the one to sit me down and be like this is what I want and I listen to whatever it is. To me he ain’t really that worried about you if he doesn't sit you down and define the relationship (hello CLUE please get one). If he doesn’t tell me there is a relationship then I assume there isn’t one and I continue to behave as single women. My dad always sad when men want something they will let you know. Whatever a man says he wants or doesn’t want you as a woman have the option to day”cool but that’s not what I was looking for.” Then he gets the choice to stay or go based on what you want. This exchange takes honest on the part of all involved.
I think the best dating policy in that purgatory of love (the space between dating before commitment) is to STOP IT when you are not happy. I mean I have been involved in casual relationships for years, where it has fit what I needed. It has been safe, non-committal, adult recreation and friendship. Just what my personal & professional life could handle at that time. It was great! Many of us are still friends (platonically).
However I have also left relationships where I didn’t feel good because he/I wanted more, at the first sign of those feeling showing up. Sometimes w/o even asking him. (which prob was not cool to do). The minute someone is not giving you what you want out of any friendship (romantic or platonic) you should look into ending it, because staying can really change the whole relationship into something very toxic if you aren’t careful and aware of yourself. Not end it, but know how you feel about that person not being in your world. I always make decisions based on worse case scenarios though (call me doom & gloom).
Also for whatever reason I find men are MUCH BETTER at wearing women down into a relationship than vice versa. I have seen far more men laying in the cut playing the friend role eventually becoming not just a woman’s paramour but their serious long term boos or husbands. However I find men will stay in the trenches for women they really dig, well some men. Women doing this with men successfully, not so much. Maybe it’s because men really know how to not be pressed over women (even ones they like) than women do over men. I wonder why men are more successful at the wait out than women, but can’t really come to a solid conclusion on it.
GREAT POST!
-OG
OG, what about the space BEFORE dating though? To me, that space is more undefined than even the dating but not committed phase. This is when you might have spent some time together but you're not even sure it was a date! That's how blurry it can be!
Great post. Insightful and on point.
The space before dating is still the same in my mind. When things change for a man, he will let you know. Point blank period. I have yet to be in a relationship where a man didn't let me know he wanted me to be his, when he did. If he doesn't sit your azz down and be my gal, you should never SIT YOUR AZZ down and stop living life.
Keep it moving, dating and all that. If a man wants you like really wants you he will tell you to stop all that. Like my ex-husband tried that subtle sit. And I was like look if a man wants to be with me he needs to tell me. That next beat my ex said, well I want you to be my gal. And I said well I don’t really want a relationship right now (that’s because I really new he wasn’t what I needed but he wore me down laying in the cut. But see it don’t last I’m divorced).
I once dated a man who was NOT interested in a relationship (& nor was I). Then one day he stopped our casualness and I noticed and also surmised he had probably met someone he was interested in locking down in a relationship. I was cool w/that because that happens sometimes. However I never fooled myself into thinking I was anything more than someone to kick it with until he found his one & only.
I think while flirting/dating you just continue to do that until you aren't comfy and then based on the where the relationship is you make the decision to leave it or take it.
Ok Imma blog about this right now….but I can’t post til I get home cuz I can see my own damn blog. But happy I can see your!
-OG
just what I needed to read today... Thanks gurl'!!! continue to keep it real!!!
Miss lady, this blog post hit so many nails on the head my hammer was broken down afterwards. DEFINITELY on point, I know so many people who need to be readin this blog xoxo
Like OG said, if a man does not sit your ass down and tell you he wants to be in a relationship, do NOT sit your ass down and act like you are one. I learned this shit the hard way last year. Never again.
We've read it in books, seen it in movies: when a man really wants you, he has no qualms telling you, spending time with you, etc. Regardless of what he's gone through, he will look/get over that shit because he sees something in you that makes him want to try.
When I realised that (we re-realized it because I knew it but was lying to myself) I removed the rose-colored glasses. Now, I date to date. If it goes anywhere, yaaay, if not, no biggie, bc before any type of committment will happen, he will have to bring it up. I will always assume he's dating someone else if we don't have that convo but most importantly, I go by that mans actions. He can tell me he's gonna get me the moon and wrap it in a bow but until he places that sucker in my hand, I take it at face value. And you know what, while I've been disappointed in a guy because it was quite obviously he lied about something (and thus ruinned our friendship), I haven't had my heart broken or been mad.
This is the realest shit I ever read. Seriously! I think I might have to email this to a few jack asses.... LOL
"I just want your actions and your words to match. That's ALL." -- A.Smith
I so agree and you would think it would be easy for these so-called adults.