Single Black Women: Like a Broken Record
Thursday, December 17, 2009
, Posted by JD at 11:04 AM
There’s been lots of talk lately about single black women. In part, this is due to lots of articles in the mainstream media about how successful black women are increasingly not finding husbands but also because of an article profile of the writer Helena Andrews in the Washington Post. Andrews’s book, “Bitch is the New Black,” is a collection of essays on single black women that, although is not yet completed, is already scheduled to be a movie of some sort.There were blog posts that captured my thoughts relative to Ms. Andrews work and the plight of single black women. One was over at The Beautiful Struggler the other on Brandon Saint Randy. Finally, there was a brilliant and very concise piece written on Andrews and the plight of black storytellers over at The American Prospect that I wish I’d have written *shaking fist*.
Beyond those three, other blogs and blog comments that I’ve read lacked sensitivity toward this serious issue and mostly people took the broken record approach using their space in the blogosphere to remark on what black women are “doing wrong” and rehash all the ‘bad things’ they’ve seen single black women do, or, worse, to personally attack Ms. Andrews based off what little information was provided about her in the Post.
How dreadful.
If you read my blog or follow me on twitter, you know that I’m single, I live in DC, I’d like to get married and have a family, but I realize the odds are not in my favor. I’m not miserable, I don’t need to try online dating, I don’t need to smile more or date outside of my race. I also am not a successful bitch, I don’t look down on men who make less money than me, I meet men all the time, I’m not targeting the tall and handsome Ivy League graduate prototype, I’m not chasing thugs or athletes, I’m not overly conceited or confident, I’m not a snob nor am I bourgie, I’m not a mean person, I don’t need to lose weight to attract better men, people like me, and I have lots of hobbies. I’m a normal girl, I like myself, I like my life, men seem to like me, and being single is a breeze for the most part.
Now that that’s out of the way, you won’t have to (mis)use my comments section to tell me what I and women like myself (whatever that means) need to do to increase our chances of getting married. I don’t need or want your advice. Consider this discussion officially elevated.
Let me tell you why I’m single and why I worry about being single over the long-term.
Over the past 7 years of being single (yes, 7) I’ve met lots of wonderful men—hardworking gentleman with goals and plans to get there. However, in terms of compatibility, I have yet to meet anyone whose company I truly enjoyed or with whom I felt a strong mental and emotional connection and a sense that our lives were moving in the same direction. I’m not saying that this can’t happen, but the pool of men I’m swimming in is increasingly small as the statistics show. Love is a numbers game. I’m not winning yet and the reality is I may never.
It’s that simple.
My worries about being single don’t center around my present— they center around my future e.g. my desire to be a mother and have a partner with whom to raise my children, to have a live-in second opinion on financial and other personal matters, to build wealth and have a built-in support system…the opportunity to be a part of a team. Those desires and the LEGITIMATE worry that I won’t ever have those things (whether due to my own shortcomings or not) shouldn’t be dismissed by some silly writer’s pen and shouldn’t be used to categorize me as some single lonely bitter shrew. (see above)
Seeing what my single and older friends were going through, I decided that I was not going to let some mythological husband determine whether or not I became a mother. That, at least, I can control. I set a goal of adopting two kids: a boy a 31 and a girl at 33. I will be 28 years old March 2010.
(Raising a dog alone is hard enough! Two kids? I'm gonna be plenty tired!)
This morning, it occurred to me suddenly that if I plan to stick with this goal, I have 3 years to prepare myself...I'm close...but no cigar. Although, I make a lot of money I've also enjoyed my years being single (I've travelled A LOT, worn nice clothes, owned some nice cars, and pretty much partied it up *makes it rain on Zappos.com*). Now, I have 3 years to aggressively save toward a home and being able to go through a pricy overseas adoption. 3 years to move to a location where being a single parent won’t be so logistically difficult (I don't want to be a single parent in DC). 3 years to get to a place in my career where I will actually have time to spend with my kids who will have only one parent to on whom to rely.
I may not be in the position to adopt my first child at 31 as projected, but I am beginning to attack the appropriate life, financial and business planning to ensure that I meet my goals at some point. I am doing this as a team of one. Had I seriously considered the fact that I may never marry and may never have a second income with which to pay a mortgage and raise kids, I might have been a tad more responsible in my spending habits. But that's neither here nor there (or in the Mac store on South Beach, apparently...it's not at the Louis Vuitton store in San Juan Puerto Rico either--I checked there as well).
Being single may be a breeze now and relationships are definitely hardwork (my parents have been married over 30 years, I’ve seen a lot)…but marriage has serious benefits (both financially and emotionally), to deny that is silly, and even sillier still to act like women (or men) are wrong for wanting those benefits and worrying that it will never happen for them.
I am telling MY story so that as you peruse the internet and you run across stories written about single black women, perhaps you will be encouraged to practice some level of sensitivity. Try to see single black women as individuals rather than caricatures and member’s of a group that needs to be “set straight” about what they are “doing wrong.” Don’t assume we are all lonely. Don’t assume we are all “pining’ away. Don’t assume we want your advice. In fact, don’t assume we are anything other than individuals who are less likely than our white counterparts to be able to achieve the marriage goal---like so many other disadvantages we face as a result of the racial dynamic in this country.
I hope that’s not too much to ask.
word...i agree. what i hate is when ppl try to equate "single" with "unhappy"...in most cases this couldn't be further from the truth.
You know, I loved this. I think we get so wrapped up in treating Black women as this monolithic entity that has to be formulaic (because "it" must be that simple in the mind of the person fighting to build the formula), that we ignore the fact that we - in most cases - only share the fact that we're all similar in skin tone. I think we do a disservice to the richness of our legacies in this country if we don't allow ourselves to branch away from the typical stereotypes of who we MUST be... because since our problems are so formulaic, the answers must be as well. It doesn't make sense.
I had to backtrack and do some erasing because I almost started to testify MY OWN story in your comments! LOL! Just know that you and I had this chat on twitter... and aside from the fact that I AM a parent already, I did feel like I could understand.
I welcome your testimony Erika! You know speaking of twitter, some of us noted the other day how people IMMEDIATELY turn the trending topics into negatives...that's how I felt about some of the posts I read. There was this immediate rush to bring Andrews (and women like her) down to size (you ain't cute, you need to ____). Loryn I agree...people can have periods of unhappiness about many things (career, relationships, money, friendships) but that doesn't mean a person is GENERALLY miserable.
Part of me is a little sad reading this because 28 seems so young to be accepting defeat (which in this instance means resigning what you truly want). I suppose I can't impose my time frames on you, but if you aren't pressed to give birth, you have even more time. Perhaps it's 'the audacity of hope' or me trying to use the power of positive thinking, but I cannot enterain the idea of motherhood outside of marriage. For me, that is.
But on the other hand, I appreciate the proactive approach to creating a life that will bring you happiness. If this what it will be for you, two children will be very lucky to have you. Very thoughtful and honest post
I disagree with Loryn in the use of 'most'... look around... I don't see 'most' single women truly happy.
but either way.. good blog... good points too and way to express a different side of things.
you want boys/girls? both?
Absolutely lovely. Thanks for this.
Great post J Danielle. I, like you, am also a SBF living in the DC area. I always find it interesting when men make silly comments like "You're still single, what's wrong with you?"
They assume that if you're smart, beautiful, have yourself together, and are childless that there's a reason why you're single. They always want to say that it's because we are crazy, have baggage, or are emotionally unstable. We all know that's not true, well in most cases.
Also, like you I have ambitions to get married and have children. It's just been a longer journey than I would have ever imagined.
While I have met many great men, they turned out to be not so great for me which is why I'm currently single. I don't feel the need to settle and be in an unhappy relationship just for the sake of not being alone. I truly believe you can be single and satisfied.
GOOOOD Stuff. I especially like the part where you discussed that people are judgemental over Black women's views and opinions regarding their chances of attaining marriage goals. Many, many, people do deny the benefits of having a bond like marriage.
I also read the blog at The Beautiful Struggler so I will be careful as I am treading on thin ice by commenting, being that I am a guy.
I agree with just about everything you say from single not equaling lonely to adopting children. However, I feel that you forgot something in your 3 yr plan. 3 years to find a positive male influence for your children. It appears that you are more than capable of raising children and will most likely do a find job in doing so. However, what I've learned is that in the absence of a positive male influence (dad, uncle, big cousin, some body) boys have a difficult time learning to be men. Though you will definitely instill him w/ respect for women, that respect wont necessarily govern how he treats or speaks to women. While the effects of fatherless sons have been well documented, fatherlessness also has been proven to have a profound effect on little girls. Little girls should learn what they need in a mate and how men should treat them from their fathers. Its hard to understand the man-woman dynamic only seeing it from one side.
All in all, (I apologize for the lengthy comment) but I think you are clearly a phenomenal woman and i think you will make an excellent mother.
Thank you for adding a new perspective to this whole convoluted topic.I appreciate what you're saying and your willingness to define yourself as both happy and single. I do, however, think that 31 is awfully young to throw in the towel and become a single mom by choice. It will probably be a hard life for you, and even harder on your kids. If you do decide to adopt, I would encourage you to try here before going overseas.
Just my 35 cents!
In fact, don’t assume we are anything other than individuals who are less likely than our white counterparts to be able to achieve the marriage goal---like so many other disadvantages we face as a result of the racial dynamic in this country.
You and Sister Toldja hit the nail RIGHT on the head with your pieces on Black women and marriage. It is truly disheartening to see people chalk up the lack of marriage in our community as only the woman's problem because she is too stuck up due to her education, that she limits her dating pool, or that she is mean and bitter.
I have grown up with a circle of girlfriends (11 of us), all highly educated and pretty. Only 3 are married. I've never heard one of the 8 who are single, throw their credentials in a mans face, turn down a guy because he makes less money or has a blue collar job. Never seen one turn her nose up in the air, act haughty or bitchy...yet we're told that we MUST act like this or else we'd have a man.
Ri-damn-diculous.
I applaud you on setting up a plan for yourself. I can't imagine having children alone, but sometimes you have to take your happiness into your own hands and make it happen.
@Peyso I totally get your point about children needing a positive male role model. I do believe J.Danielle may have that in her own father (her children's future grandfather) or any number of family members, friends, etc. Any woman who thinks that she will be successful in raising a child completely alone, has got be delusional.
Sister/Peyso I don't know that I've given up on finding a mate, but looking at my finances and my goals I have had to face some SERIOUS truths. It really never occurred me that I might have to shoulder a mortgage AND school supplies by myself. *looks at $350 leather thigh high boots* lol I just need to get ready because the years are passing by so quickly.
Peyso, don't ever apologize for leaving long comments, people should take their time and be eloquent because you know how people go hard on blogs so best to explain thoroughly.
I agree that children need father figures, but the reality is if a child makes it past 2 years old in an adoption agency they never get adopted. Adoption by a single mother is better than no adoption at all is how I see it.
In terms of Sister's post, I know what you are referring too, and I felt that some of the men's comments were simply out of place and ill-toned. But that seems to be the general rule on this issue whether the commenters/bloggers are male or female.
King James, do you think that single black women are any less happy than the general population? I would argue that due to the changing dynanmics of this country, there is a GENERAL sense of unhappiness in America not limited to SBMs.
I think my biggest issue with all the cyber-chat around the SBF is that everyone almost seems to put all black women into the some category, desperate, angry, hopeless. It is something that happens to minorities, often one member’s story is taken as THE STORY for that group. When in reality single black women’s views on partnership range from tricking to matrimony. I wish we could view black women as polymorphic, like water. H20 is H20 but it comes in various forms (ice, steam, and liquid) but its still H2O that never changes. I see black women the same way. We share our racial identity but really where we are in our life and views are as varied as the shades of our skins.
It seems that we’ve been talking about the SBF and her prospects forever (I know the last 10 years). Selecting a mate is hard enough when there are plenty of suitors. And for some reason people think that complaining about not having a man or not having access to the kind of man one wants, means that SBFs are not happy. I think one can be healthy, happy, and wise and still not be happy about some aspects or possible outcomes to their story.
I get the whole one has to work for anything one wants party line (ie the advice). And I get that if I had approached other aspects in my life like I do dating, I’d probably not be as successful a person as I am today. But the sad part is that there are no guarantees in love, and even if I had been putting in work like Beyonce on her last tour to find a mate, I still could very well end up single. And there is nothing wrong with knowing and acknowledging that going in; I don’t see it as defeat just reality. For me rules of living a successful life do not apply to love. I mean who wants to put a MS Project Plan together for operation get me a husband. Although I do have friends who take in all the advice I’ve seen doled out on the net these past few days, lose weight, get your hair did, learn to cook, learn to dance on pole, smile more, be approachable, and hop on one foot and bark like a dog. And I am sure it works for some, but that kind of love seems manufactured to me and I would just prefer any pairing I have to be organic. It seems more likely to be the real things when you let it develop. Anywho
I love your post because the only thing I wish we could do was realize that one voice is not THE VOICE and knowing is half the battle. I think some times we need to engage in active listening, but to be fair that is not how most men operate. You come to them with a problem they are going to offer a solution. I think that is what happened with some of the blogs and comments, people thought they were suppose to do something after reading the article on Andrews, when in reality they were just suppose to listen to herstory. Plus I think Andrews story pings so many in their insecure area that well, as my GG when you throw a rock in a pack of dogs, the one that got hit is gonna bark
I dunno…I’d have to agree with Toldja 28 is a little young to be resigning yourself to singleness. If you ask me 28 is when one should be ramping up. I mean I was married and divorced by 32, so a lot could happen to you in these next few years. But, I think I get what you mean you might as well prepare yourself for the worst, not having a husband and father to your children in your life, while you work on being a better you, because it is a reality that could materialize.
-OG
Mariah, I want to adopt a black boy first, so yes I would be first adopting here (unless plans change, you never know). I set a target of 31 years old because the process can be long (even local adoptions). And I still have hope that I'll find someone with whom I'm compatible, but you know, I was a girl scout! Gotta be prepared.
Shessavy, People focus a lot on finding someone they 'like.' Compatibility doesn't get much shine. And I think that's where that whole idea of "if you're single something is wrong with you" i.e. "why come don't nobody like you?" comes from. People don't always realize a relationship is deeper than two people liking each other. Oh it's sooo much deeper!
The thing is once you get past standards and life goals compatibility still has to be there for a relationship to be successful. This is what makes dating frustrating at times to me. I have dated some beautiful women that I matched up well with “on paper” but we just weren’t compatible. It gets discouraging at times for me as a black man so I can only imagine how it feels for a black woman.
I like that you have a plan in place. I hope to be married again someday. My financial and career plan that I have now will allow me to achieve my goals for me and my children if I don’t find that special someone. If I do find that special someone life will be that much sweeter.
Very thoughtful post, I loved reading it!
To throw my two cents in, I'm a young (married) Black woman in DC who is actually looking forward to reading & seeing "Bitch is the new Black." Not because I think it's going to represent Black women, but because I enjoy stories about/commentary on relationships. I really liked 'He's Just Not That Into You' and it seemed like people understood it to be a collection of funny stories about particular characters who some people could relate to. I don't know of anyone who walked away thinking all buxom blondes are homewreckers (Scarlett Johannsen) or all White men are either caustic & jaded, afraid to commit, or cheaters (Justin Long, Ben Affleck, Bradley Cooper).
Unfortunately, Black characters in the media are too often interpreted as representatives of all of us and there are people who will see the movie and think "I knew it! So THAT'S why so many Black women are single!" as if the story was based on results from a national survey rather than anecdotal info from ONE Black woman's life.
My question for you and all of my fellow commenters is this: Why is it that our stories are so quickly generalized? & is there any way to prevent one Black woman's story from becoming, as The Original Glamazon said, THE Story? Curious about how/why this happens & interested in hearing some responses. Thanks for posting this!
Just to go off of your comment about relationships being more than you with someone you like(we've talked about this on Twitter, I'm Terrysboy). I won't rehash everything, but people do never think about what a partner really is; people you like will tolerate your flaws to a point, in a relationship you want someone to understand and engage your flaws. Who loves your personalities quirks, and even if you don't share the same hobbies they deeply respect and atleast attempt to understand why you like what you like. They also challenge you(in a good way), and of course provide that easy and accessible person to talk to share you innermost thoughts/dreams/desires with(something I'm starting to appreciate more and more as a writer I sometimes drive myself crazy with my own thoughts), helps to have someone to share, someone to care for, oh to be loved(to quote my favorite movie Coming To America).
But great blog post, I always like people who rise above the crowd and try to have thoughtful and complex discussions of complex issues, instead of just regurgitating the same old, same old. Keep up the good work
Just to go off of your comment about relationships being more than you with someone you like(we've talked about this on Twitter, I'm Terrysboy). I won't rehash everything, but people do never think about what a partner really is; people you like will tolerate your flaws to a point, in a relationship you want someone to understand and engage your flaws. Who loves your personalities quirks, and even if you don't share the same hobbies they deeply respect and atleast attempt to understand why you like what you like. They also challenge you(in a good way), and of course provide that easy and accessible person to talk to share you innermost thoughts/dreams/desires with(something I'm starting to appreciate more and more as a writer I sometimes drive myself crazy with my own thoughts), helps to have someone to share, someone to care for, oh to be loved(to quote my favorite movie Coming To America).
But great blog post, I always like people who rise above the crowd and try to have thoughtful and complex discussions of complex issues, instead of just regurgitating the same old, same old. Keep up the good work
Great post.
I found your words enlightening. Someone who knows what they want and instead of laboring everyone around them with the woe is me story, you've set forth a plan to ensure your needed level of happiness. I've written on the subject many times (single/dating/happiness) & I think my biggest issue is that people spend too much time complaining about their current circumstances or complaining that they've found themselves in the same relationship or lack of one repeatedly. If you aren't willing to invest the time in yourself to figure out why you're on the merry-go-round, then at least do us all a favor and quit complaining about it.