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Over the past 7 months since Rihanna was beaten by Chris, I have listened to people reach far into the deep and musty canyons of complete ignorance in order to defend Chris. I’ve also witness those who try hard to dismiss the conversation altogether saying, “if they weren’t celebrities no one would care.” Unfortunately, the people who make that statement are so far removed from an informed perspective that they don’t see the irony of that statement. For your benefit, I will point it out. The fact that people rarely discuss these issues unless celebrities are involved is a CRUCIAL symptom of the problem. Women who don’t have the luxurious lifestyle enjoyed by Rihanna are on television quite often telling tales of abuse. Still, many people struggle to muster a modicum of empathy for these women yet find plenty of sympathy for the men who receive light sentences of community service and endure damage to their reputations.


I was moved to finally write about the Chris Brown and Rihanna story after being amazed by the amount of people willing to enthusiastically stretch the truth and conveniently ignore facts in order to defend Chris’s behavior. You know, those people who feel it necessary to couch any acknowledgement that Chris made a mistake by saying that women should avoid provoking men; that women do go “too far” sometimes and we “can’t expect” men to always control themselves [FOR THE RECORD, Rihanna maintains that she did not hit Chris the night of the beating, and thus far I’ve seen no evidence to contradict that statement]. It’s as though no conversation would be complete if someone simply said “Chris was wrong.”

And wrong he was. The pictures of Rihanna’s face after he brutally beat her into someone who was barely recognizable to her friends, family , and fans were hard to view. The details of that night are hard to hear. The thought of a young man twice the size of his girlfriend shoving her face violently into the cold hard glassy window of their rented sportscar over and over and over. Biting her. Threatening her life. Frightening her. Making her cower down in her seat in fear and confusion. A beating so bad that people in an apartment building heard her scream in pain and called the police without even coming outside to see if their suspicions were correct.

This wasn’t a fight—it was a battering. It was one young man’s war against himself and everything he knows. And the casualties were many. A beating like that isn’t the result of provocation—it’s the result of a sickness.

I have watched a couple of Chris’s interviews in which he addressed his violent behavior. Chris is clearly lost and words of blind support cannot help. Chris has been the recipient of bad personal advice and bad professional advice. He’s being sent on TV ill-prepared. He’s being sent through life ill-equipped. Like many of his fans, he appears not to have grasped the full implications of his actions. I’ve wondered if he’s still in shock? Chris reminds me of a man without anyone who loves him productively. Rihanna seems to have been more than just a girlfriend, she was his center of gravity. She was his lover and confidante—his best friend. And I’m sure he can’t believe what he did.

And I can’t believe what some of you are doing. Defending Chris is basically encouragement to men (and abusive women) not to seek understanding and help for their violent behavior. It’s bad enough so many teen girls have succumbed to and participated in violent acts with their boyfriends. They have been among the most vocal supporters of Chris. But to hear people who should be old enough to know better than to do so is disheartening.

In her 20/20 interview, Rihanna, who was poised and eloquent throughout, said that she asked herself over and over again what she could have possibly said to make him do what he did. She replayed it over and over again in her head like a bad dream. And finally, she came up with the right answer: NOTHING! But really, Rihanna doesn’t need to blame herself, lots of other people have taken up that challenge on her behalf.

They blame Rihanna because she didn’t talk about the incident until her album was ready. Yes, blame her for putting off discussing such a painful incident until the very last possible moment. Blame Rihanna because you don’t like her. Blame Rihanna for not knowing when to stop questioning her violent boyfriend. Blame Rihanna for the media firestorm. Blame Rihanna for the fact that Chris has struggled to sound coherent when speaking. Go ahead, poke holes in her interview statements. Please, do all you can to find fault with her.

Blaming the victim is a key part of the paint-by-numbers reaction people have to domestic violence cases. First blame the victim for the other person’s actions. Second, critique their history. Third, insult their sincerity. Fourth, if they speak out, question their timing, motives, and message. Fifth, dismiss their story altogether. Get it? Got it! Good.

How anyone can walk away from hearing Rihanna’s side of the story with cold words for her and support for her abuser is unfathomable. Rihanna didn’t have to speak in detail about that night at all. She could have gone on her promotional tour acknowledging the incident in passing. If she were cruel, she could made snide comments and diggs at Chris during interviews heightening interest in her appearances.

But instead, she chose to reveal herself to the public. She chose to protect him. She shared her vulnerabilities with an audience filled with too many people who don’t deserve to hear her story. A tiny part of me wished that she wouldn’t have spoken out and had saved herself from becoming doubly victimized: once by Chris, and twice by a sneering ignorant public. But I have to believe that somewhere, a girl has seen Rihanna as a mirror, and will move to copy her strength and resolve. And if that happens, Rihanna should be proud despite what irresponsible members of the public may say.

View Rihanna's 20/20 Interview here: