(not)Happy About THIS!

A male friend’s facebook status:

You women are funny! I kept it 100% with her from THE GATE! It’s not my fault if she caught feelings. I told her from jump, I’m not tryna get into a
relationship."

*sigh* Boys….and some girls.

Where do I begin?

The theme of “but you say she’s just a friend” comes up over and over and it’s one of the most frustrating parts of dating. In a nutshell, you meet someone, you begin to correspond, whether online, via phone, or by spending time together. It’s clear that there is an attraction there but not clear where it will lead or if the other person even wants it to lead anywhere.

That’s where things can get ugly.

Ideally, when you have a situation where you’re not sure if the other person is interested in exploring a relationship with you, you should be patient and not force things to be ‘defined.’ But I have found that this approach isn’t realistic because by and large, people are full of shit.

I have a friend who says that she believes that you can meet the right person at the wrong time. I agree with that statement. In other words, you can meet someone with whom you are totally compatible but they just got out of a relationship or they are sick or live too far away or are just generally unavailable emotionally or physically.

How you find out whether that person is unavailable or not all depends on how full of shit the person is. Usually, they will tell on themselves early on. But sometimes that person may not even realize they are full of shit. How you deal with finding out the person is unavailable all depends on how full of shit you are. I bring to you, Exhibit A, ME.

I have been on all sides of this equation. I have ‘dealt with’ a guy who told ME that HE wasn’t interested in a relationship. So, I got into my comfort zone when seeing him. Over time, it was clear to me that despite his claims that he didn’t want a relationship he was starting to develop feelings for me. But I told myself, he said he didn’t want a relationship so his newly developed feelings are his newly developed problem—not mine! In the end, he was really hurt when he finally confronted me about what our relationship is, and found that I wasn’t remotely interested in being his girlfriend. In a different situation, I was getting to know a guy and it was unclear whether or not he was interested in being with me, so I asked. He reacted like a damn fool. I was hurt and it was hard to cut him off. I allowed him to continue to lead me on until I finally had enough strength and good sense to unfollow his foolishness for good. In several situations, I was the one who was emotionally unavailable and justified my behavior because I’d told the guys that were trying to get to know me that I wasn’t interested in anything serious.

Bottom line, in each situation I was a jackass because I either took advantage of someone or allowed someone to take advantage of me.

There’s an undefined area in between meeting someone and dating someone in which you are getting to know a person but there is no commitment or EXPLICIT romantic interest. Some people may refer to it as friendship but I think that’s a misnomer for a few reasons.

“Friendship” implies that things are totally platonic. But you and I know that although that undefined area may not have a name, there’s nothing platonic about it (although things may become platonic later). Don’t think so? Compare your behavior with this new person to your behavior with the friends that you already have, you won’t find many similarities.

This undefined area is so fuzzy and indistinct that it brings out the asshole in 98% of the population, in particular, those who carry penises around with them.

This is not to pick on men, but to acknowledge that men are particularly skillful at making replica bonds and then, when a woman shows that they’ve developed feelings, the man says “You couldn’t tell these bonds were fake? Did you look at the tag?!” How horrifying to find out what you thought was a Gucci bond is actually an Ucci he got off Ebay.

A lot of us have walls around our hearts formed by the bricks of our bad experiences. The more bad experiences, the higher the bricks stack up. Now you want to be loved but not love. You want to be dishonest yet not deceived. You want to get to know someone without being self-aware.

'This undefined area allows people to achieve all of those things in one fell swoop. It is this undefined area that people who have commitment or intimacy issues will try to drag out forever and ever so that they can have the attention of an attractive person of the opposite sex without having the grown up responsibilities that should accompany it. That goes for both the person who is unavailable AND the person who is being led on (which is probably part of their pattern of being attracted to unavailable people).

Knowing this, I pay CLOSE attention to a man’s behavior during that undefined phase. It lets me know whether I am going to engage in a “cop and a drop.” A “cop and drop” means I enjoyed your ______ (attention, penis, affection, conversation, money, distraction) while it lasted and now I’m done because you are ______ (full of shit, a jackass, not my type, better off as a friend, meeting me at the wrong time) and now I’m going to _____ ( include you in my friendship circle, never talk to you again, burn some photos of you in effigy) [notice I didn’t include “lead you on or allow you to lead me on to believe this could be something more” as an option. We off that.].

At some point you just have to be honest with yourself. After a certain age, you don’t make many friends of the opposite sex with whom you exchange contact information after flirting just so that you can be that person’s platonic friend. Feelings on either side are not 'really' a surprise to act otherwise is dishonest. And whether you like it or not, you have a responsibility to be careful with other people's feelings. If you think otherwise, you’re probably one of the jackasses I’m talking about. If so, please re-read this post and do better.

xoxoxoxo

Every now and then I hear things that just leave me speechless. Today I’m posting two of those things. The first thing I heard was Jermaine Jackson on the Rickey Smiley show this morning. In case you didn’t know, Jermaine and the other original members of the Jackson 5 have a reality show in which they are profiled while they work on a new Jackson 5 er 4? album. I’ve only seen one episode of the show but from the beginning it’s clear that Jermaine likes attention and sees himself as the star of the family. This, in direct contrast to the more level headed brothers, Tito, Jackie, and Marlon.

So yesterday evening as I was diligently packing a 400 calorie lunch (it takes about 45 seconds), I almost caught a heart attack and an animal cruelty case! A mouse scurried from behind my dog's bed and ran into my coat closet--a closet I refuse to ever open again.

<======has been chosen for jury duty.

Right this moment a black person is somewhere lamenting some political, social, or economic need that black people, as a community, are not having met by government. Regardless of socio-economic status or geographical location, black people are not just concerned with the overarching business of the “people” of the United States but are also worried about their own community and where they believe they are being overlooked.

Unfortunately, most strategies used by individuals and also black or urban-targeted organizations are outdated, reactive, and lack particular direction or expertise. From the “nappy-headed ho” Don Imus incident to the most recent flap about Harry Reid’s comments regarding Obama’s complexion and speech patterns, blacks are discussing what’s being said rather than what is or what could be done. Furthermore, black people do not seem to be pursuing positions or entrepreneurial efforts that would assist black people in gaining advantages in the long-run.

For example, there is a detrimental deficiency of lobbyists, lobbying firms, trade associations, think tanks and researchers to staff them in the black community. Over the years these institutions have become the premiere places from which information is collected for inclusion in Federal and State legislation, Federal Rules, and even articles published via media outlets large and small. These institutions typically serve predominantly white constituencies (though they may have black members), and largely employ them as well.

To bring this to a ground level, say you are reading an article about the statistics regarding a successful black woman’s likelihood of getting married. You notice that there is a statistical breakdown of the location and marriagibility of black men but none for black women. You also note that though the numbers show what percentage of black women are single but fail to show how many of the successful black women even want to get married or have been married previously but now are widowed, divorced etc.

The (sub)standard reaction to this has been to blame the media for shallow reporting. Some may even accuse the media of undertaking a widespread effort to cause panic in the black community (cause they have time and resources and interest in that *scoff*). But others, like myself, would say that if there were black think tanks dedicated to the issues of marriage and family in the black community (a good example of this would be something akin to the Heritage Foundation, an organization that has been wildly successful in advancing its agenda) those numbers could have been readily provided to the media with proper context and messaging.

But alas, such a Foundation does not exist.

Another good example is the conversations surrounding the healthcare debate. I have heard numerous black people complain that the bill lacks the sort of provisions that would assist the black community in overcoming some of the gaps between the care they receive versus what whites receive. Many have blamed this on the “healthcare lobby” which, admittedly like all other ‘lobbies’ is lacking in color. Would black people have supported President Obama’s stance on lobbying if blacks had their own firms and were actively involved in decisionmaking? Moreover, would President Obama have worked so hard to reduce the influence of special interest groups if those special interests were more diverse?

I can’t help but wonder how the black community, with such a high number of purported “thinkers” and politically conscious members can suffer from a dearth of people participating DIRECTLY in advancing the type of research and governmental influence (lobbying) efforts necessary to help black people enter the coming age and serve both their foreign and domestic interests. And I still struggle to understand why long-supported and, in many cases, government subsidized, organizations such as the NAACP and others have failed to make related transitions.

As I write this article encouraging black folks to become BETTER political participators, President Obama is simultaneously attempting to both reduce the influence of lobbying firms (full-disclosure, I don’t agree with his position) and extending the government’s collaborative efforts with stakeholders to build policies that advance America as a whole.

However, because of the lack of black-focused groups, his administration will be hard-pressed to implement the types of policies most black people would support because there are very few to provide the information (i.e. make it easier and thus more feasible) for the administration to do so.

There are already many people who believe that President Obama has done “nothing” for black people thus far in his presidential term and that he should “already know” what types of legislation and regulatory action would be beneficial to the black community. I can also assume that these same people believe President Obama could undertake these efforts alone, that members of Congress alone write legislation, and that a fat man wearing a red outfit delivers gifts on December 25 of every year using a wooden sleigh pulled through the brisk night-air by cervids he calls by name.

Sadly, this is not the case. For every rulemaking effort, every legislative turn, and more, the public via established groups and organizations provide comment, research, and feedback. Government employees, executives, program managers, and legislators are all a part of the process, but are not, and could never be the process in its entirety. The feedback and information provided by think tanks and the like can not only steer policies but also help avoid unintended consequences.
A good example of an unintended consequence that could have been avoided with proper research would be the legal sentences for cocaine vs. crack possession and distribution. Black people, including the Congressional Black Caucus supported harsher sentences for crack offenders because they thought locking up violators would assist in diminishing the crack epidemic by taking those most likely to support it off the streets.

Today, we know that those rules have resulted in a conviction rate of black men disproportionate to the amount of black men who actually use or distribute drugs. Additionally, there have been issues with the execution of justice as well as arrests and other parts of the adjudication process.

I’m 100% positive a black think tank dedicated to judicial issues could have predicted that such legislation would have resulted in racial misapplication by looking at the history of black people’s involvement in the criminal justice system and the subsequent impact (recidivism, legal representation etc) on the community. They probably could have even suggested alternative legislation that would have helped end the crack epidemic that depleted so many black neighborhoods and families.

I have spent my career in Federal and State government, lobbying, and on the campaign trail. Over the years, I have watched black people show great passion for diversity and equal opportunity programs. As a result, many pursue jobs with limited advancement where the impact of their work is nearly singular and certainly more personal rather than broad-based. Examples of these positions would be human resources, teaching, civil rights, counseling, and other people-oriented jobs. Nothing is wrong with pursuing these careers or spear-heading your own efforts to own related-firms. However, until black people become key players in the political parts of the process, your value to it is the equivalent of watching Keith Olbermann and tweeting and emailing links to articles you agree or disagree with. In other words, you’re not very useful in the long run.

This shallow participation in and knowledge of our system of government and where, of course black folks fit into it, is part of the reason that black people are struggling to determine where they fit into President Obama’s priorities, and, arguably more important, the priorities at their local level of government (affordable housing anyone?).

I wish I had the answer for how to make widespread change of this nature, and also how to do it given the fairly small population of black people in the United States. I have seen firsthand the overlapping historical circumstances that make it difficult for black people to enter and be promoted within the types of institutions on which this article is focused. Further, some of the greatest black political minds with whom I’ve come into contact in my career (including me!) are working diligently toward national interests—not national black interests.

So, no, I don’t have the answer. However, I figured it was worth pointing out that while most black people wonder why they aren’t winning, I wonder when we’ll get into the game.

As I said in a previous post, HAPPYaboutTHIS would become a personal blog. I'm still planning to have the site redesigned so it looks prettier (i.e. has more pictures of me) and archived articles are easier to find. But right now this ain't so bad!