Throwback Post: Choosing a Man is like Choosing Peanut Butter

Posted in Labels: | at 7:37 PM

I have always hated making decisions.


Decisions are stressful for me. Simple ones like whether to buy a shirt in red or blue are paralyzing. When I’m shopping and I’m faced with such a difficult choice I typically give up and choose neither. I’d rather make no choice at all then to make the wrong one.


Inevitably, when I leave the store I wonder if not making a choice at all was actually, in fact, a bad choice.


My lack of decisionmaking prowess is an issue every month when I shop for peanut butter. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER. I keep one jar of peanut butter at work, and the other jar in my bed. Yes, in my bed. PB is high protein filling, and delicious. If I get hungry in the middle of the night, I feel around for my peanut butter, pop the jar open, grab the spoon wrapped in a napkin on top of my nightstand and dig in. I keep a bottle of water on my nightstand as well for these emergencies.


Since I love PB sooooo much, you would think I prefer a particular brand. I don’t. Every month when I purchase two jars of peanut butter I compare price with chunky vs. creamy. Then I try to remember all the brands that were killing people. I try to avoid those, but if they are really tasty I’ll buy them anyway. I can’t commit to a PB in fact, I can barely choose a PB to settle on.


I’ve stood in the PB aisle for up to 20 minutes and just ended up grabbing the 2 PBs closest to me. I can tell you right now, just grabbing the nearest 2 resulted in regret many times. So now when I can’t make a decision, much like shirt shopping, I leave the store without PB in tow knowing damn well I don’t like to sleep without it!


I have the same relationship with men that I have with peanut butter.


So many choices…so many possibilities…so hard to choose one. And when I can’t, I ditch them all and start over. I’m either with a lot of peanut butter, I mean men, or without any! In other words, I’m either not dating anyone at all or dating like 7 people I can’t keep straight or choose between.


Everytime I meet a man I compare tall vs. short, skinny vs. chunky…one minute I’m in the mood for Clinton Portis, next minute I’m in the mood for Robert from Day 26—no correlation at all. But unlike a jar of peanut butter, you can’t just hurry up and finish a man so you can try a new one.


All I need is 2 spoonfuls of PB to know if I like it, with men, it takes much longer to figure out if this is one of those brands that be killing people…or, if the time/emotional price is too much to pay for a sampling. All of these questions come in to play when I consider committing to a product or a relationship.


Right now none of the men that I am getting to know have enough of the right qualities…I have a feeling I need to ditch this bunch and try something new. A couple months ago, I tried almond butter and nutella to replace peanut butter. I liked it.


Not sure what the metaphorical equivalent is when it comes to men…but until I solve my PB commitment issues, I think my relationship commitment issues will persist.

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Paying Teachers is Not the Answer

Posted in Labels: | at 10:18 PM

I ran across a story in Newsweek about why failing teachers SHOULD be fired. This article, written on the cusp of a controversy in Rhode Island where teachers who were making, on average 74K a year, balked at spending additional time with students. The superintendent threatened to fire them.


From what I can discern, he did the right thing.

Teachers don't have it easy. I think most of us know that. But overall, teaching is still a cushy enough job that people who can't decide what to do with their lives choose it as a fall back plan. I can't tell you how many of my friends who couldn't make it in their respective industries, or couldn't decide on a job path to pursue, "settled" into teaching citing benefits, job security, and summers off as perks.

People typically don't voluntarily 'settle' into truly shitty careers--even in a recession. Okay you have to stay late and spend time at home grading papers. I get it. But how many of the rest of America stays late at their jobs and takes work home on weekends? I'm not sure why we expect teachers to be different, especially in an increasingly competitive society.

I look back on the time spent in public schools and it amazes me how woefully underprepared I was for college. It didn't surprise me when a former classmate of mine informed me that 50% of students in my hometown end up dropping out of school.

I heard someone hypothesize that the reason teachers are so shitty today is because teaching was a job traditionally held by the smartest women in a community. But nowadays those same women who would have taught have gone on to climb the corporate and government ladder. I think there's some validity to this. Can't you just imagine Hillary Rodham Clinton teaching a class of 5th graders had our country not progressed enough to handle a female Secretary of State/Presidential candidate? This is, of course, a very harsh way of saying "those who can't do, teach."


It's also only part of the issue. The unfortunate fact is that the difficulties with education in America is not the fault of teachers. America as a whole does not place a priority on education. However, every time I see teacher's unions, political candidates, and education experts talking about pay and performance, I wonder why there isn't more of an emphasis on fixing curriculum and quality of life at work. Surely, those types of fixes would make teachers a lot more comfortable in the long-term. Liking your job and feeling appreciated and successful means more than money to most people especially if you've entered a field that you love.

All in all, I can't support throwing more money at teachers. Teaching doesn't happen in a vacuum...so while money may pacify individual teachers who are doing as good a job as they can within an extremely flawed and limiting system, it does nothing to prepare our nation's children for future success over the long haul.



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5 Star N*GGAS and Mice

Posted in Labels: | at 1:20 AM

How are these two things related? Well...remember that mouse I mentioned about a month ago? He's become all types of bold. He's in my bedroom right now and I am afraid to put my feet on the floor. A little part of me wants to shoot at it, but I know that's dumb. Or is it? Anyway, @zeralyn recommended I watch this video to make myself feel better. I now have the whole rap memorized. Warning: Explicit lyrics.

I would love to hang out with these dudes!

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New Marketing Plan: "Helping" Black Women

Posted in Labels: , , | at 7:34 PM

I was reading Alison Samuel's Newsweek article on the John Mayer incident--an incident which I also wrote about, but not in a context specific to black women. I loved Samuel's post and thought it was the best one on Mayer's recent comments that I've read so far. What Samuels did was eloquently and effectively make the point that Mayer's comments are 1. Relevant and 2. Impactful as many have feverishly sought to argue otherwise.

Basically, she argues that men like John Mayer hold the power in this country (and arguably all over the world) to define what beauty is, what it looks like, and how much it weighs, among other influence such men hold in areas that impact black women everywhere from the entertainment industry to the boardroom. In that sense, Mayer's comments are at the very least revealing of a prevalent way of thinking, and at most symptomatic of a greater issue in society that we don't quite know how to fix.

Beyond the article's emphasis on Mayer, what stuck out to me was this line:

All of this has left me to wonder: Is it open season on black women? Are we in a time where openly disrespecting and insulting women of color is OK and without consequence?


To this, I respond, yes. Not only is it open season and okay to insult black women, it is the new marketing plan for blogs, magazines, and books alike. Say anything negative about black women and watch your blog hits go up. Tell black women where they lack and that you aim to help and watch your book sales and buzz go through the roof.

Recently, the Huffington Post uploaded a terribly executed piece entitled "What Black Women Can Learn from the Kardashians." If there was ever anything black women could learn from the celebrity-obsessed Kardashian clan, I assure you it appeared no where in that piece. It was one of many titles floating around the web designed to draw black women readers under a veil of self-help.

A Belle In Brooklyn posted an "Open letter to angry and bitter black women." As perpetually perky as I am, the letter, however good intentioned made me angry. But when I read the comments section, I officially became ENRAGED! The post garnered over 200 comments mostly from women who wasted no time testifying to the "perceived" bitterness of other women--their friends, mother's, aunts, and acquaintances. Like so many of these types of posts, it turned into a bash fest...no nuance in sight.

It doesn't stop with blog posts and web publications. Jimi Izrael, a writer who refers to himself as a culture critic of some sort, has now released a book called "The Denzel Principle," in which he aims to help black women understand why they can't find a good black man. I haven't read it, but I'm sure it fits under the same umbrella as does Steve Harvey's book, "Act like a Woman, Think Like a Man," in which a 3 times divorced COMEDIAN who married his current wife after cheating on his former wife with her (allegedly) gives black women words to live by.

Harvey's book is a top seller and I'm sure Izrael's book will be as well. There is a growing cadre of black men from Tyler Perry to TD Jakes who use their work to dress down black women under the guise of "helping" and providing inspiration. I don't know whether to be more frustrated with the writers of these books or the women who support such work in what I believe is an honest effort by black women to take personal responsibility for their lives. Unfortunately, these types of books are less personal responsibility and more personal attacks.

My week came full circle with a Washington Post article profiling an author who has dedicated an entire book on how black women should actively look outside of the black community for partners--I don't disagree with her conclusions and found her statements regarding the book fairly thoughtful, but I can't help but wonder when all this will end.

As black women achieve greater financial success the desire to go about the process of healing their home life grows stronger. Black women have become more solution-oriented and balance-seeking as the dynamic in society shifts to one that leaves room for us to embrace our own brand of empowerment and also put it to use. But it's sort of hard to feel empowered when everything you read makes you feel defensive.

This is not to say that the bloggers, writers, and authors of these articles and books are mal-intentioned. Nevertheless, it pains me to see black women consume massive amounts of negative feedback at such a fast clip. I've already hit a wall.

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Facebook Sent Users' PRIVATE (and Sexy) messages to Random People

Posted in Labels: , | at 11:46 PM


My relationship with Facebook is sort of like my relationship with cable. I don't want it, don't use it all that often, but I have it because, well, everyone else does. I don't have many good things to say about facebook at this point--funny because 2 years ago I loved it. But now, I don't know how to use a lot of features (I can't, for the life of me, figure out how to see ALL the updates from people I'm friends with), and I live in fear that Facebook will make yet another huge privacy change or update while I'm not paying attention.


One of my goals this week is to scrub my account of all pictures and status updates before making a final decision about whether or not to delete it. It was really at the prodding of others that I signed my blog up for a 'fan' page...which I actually do see as useful, except for I hate the word 'fan' and the lack of control I have over certain page components.

FB has made a number of missteps over the past year, in particular with regard to user privacy. While perusing these here innanets, I ran across yet another Facebook privacy fail. For a few hours on one night, Facebook sent the private messages of some of its users to unintended recipients. Can you imagine? We all know the "interesting" conversations that take place behind the scenes in social media inboxes from twitter direct messages to Myspace mail, we've all sent things we'd rather not have anyone else see outside of the intended target.

In this case, one of the receivers of 128 private messages not meant for his eyes, happened to work for the Wall Street Journal. I have a feeling if not for these messages going to a reporter, we would have never known about this glitch--a glitch that FB has yet to explain.


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Worried About the Wrong Thing: Tavis Smiley/Al Sharpton Edition

Posted in Labels: | at 6:22 PM

If you haven't heard, Tavis Smiley and Al Sharpton got into a bit of a tiff yesterday. Smiley appeared on the Tom Joyner Morning Show yesterday morning and gave a convoluted monologue in which he accused Sharpton, among other prominent blacks, of saying that President Obama doesn't need a black agenda. Smiley is part of a growing cadre of black pundits who seem to believe Obama is getting a pass on racial issues. [I don't have even 1/3 of the energy it would take to explain how it is inherently impossible for Obama to receive such a pass, but I digress...]


Sharpton got wind of Smiley's comments and had Smiley call into his own show to discuss. Sharpton wasted no time berating Smiley for misportraying comments that he and other popularly quoted activists have made.

The sticking point was a quote that appeared in the NY Times in which Sharpton was quoted as saying that President Obama is "smart not to ballyhoo a black agenda." Smiley isn't convincing me when he says that he interpreted the quote to mean that Sharpton doesn't believe Obama should promote a black agenda. I think it's pretty clear that Sharpton was encouraging President Obama to be savvy in his approach to any sort of black agenda--not to eliminate it entirely.

Whatever the case, here is the latest example of public figures arguing about the wrong thing. I have no idea what Smiley or Sharpton mean when they say "black agenda," but I do know this: Black activists and thinkers aren't giving President Obama much to work with in terms of specific policy recommendations and regulatory suggestions. What I see is our most prominent black leadership writing books, organizing shows, and pursuing punditry. In other words, there is a push to promote thought rather policy.

Unfortunately, very few blacks are pursuing opportunities at think tanks, nor are they conducting research nor are they pursuing lobbying careers or even careers in program management for the Federal government. So many are focused on writing books and speaking on panels. Unfortunately, even most of the books that are written by black political 'thinkers' today are OBSERVATIONAL not research-based. Much of black discussion is centered around and promoted by academics, a circle that is largely inbred, lacking true political relationships, and decidedly more liberal than the rest of the black community. Out of touch is one way I would describe the circle of black thinkers who have become most popular in the blogging and punditry world.


At some point someone has got to do the dirty work of assisting the President in pushing through a political agenda that benefits black people and I'm sorry to report that blogging, writing books, attending conferences, and giving speeches simply isn't enough to get things done. Someone has got to write legislative texts, comment on proposed regulations, and actually perform the research that lawmakers and lobbyists use to justify positions. We have too many Michael Eric Dysons and not enough Robert Drummers.

Certainly, there should be people who lead the discussion of what the big picture of a 'black agenda' might look like, but what happens when everyone is discussing and no one is acting?
If President Obama has ideas in mind that he believes should be implemented that are specific to issues that disproportionately impact black people, he still can't move on them without catalysts and people to execute those plans. So while Smiley and Sharpton focus on their radio and TV shows and panels, I wonder who will actually do the work they both seem to believe should be done. Work that is behind the scenes and devoid of the publicity so many seem to crave.





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A Glimpse Into My ADD Mind...Keys, Purses, Confusion

Posted in Labels: , | at 3:43 PM

Inside my head:


"Where did I put my keys...oh I know on the coat hook, I've been pretty good about putting them there." *goes to coat hook* "Shit! Not there. Hmm. Oh yeah, they're probably in my purse...I remember thinking that keys should probably be kept in my purse since I never have my keys without my purse. Well, unless I go running...or a quick run to the store...maybe putting them in my purse isn't such a good idea especially since I change purses almost everyday...

I should probably put them on my lanyard. But then again I don't take my lanyard to work. I guess I could start though? I could probably make a couple extra sets of keys, put one on the coat hook, one on the lanyard, and one in my purse. I should write that down before I forget. I need a piece of paper. Oh no no no. I'll put it in my phone! Well...I've been trying to keep a paper calendar since it's more visual than the phone so yeah I'll put it there...but then again I can set alerts in my blackberry.

Hmm maybe I'll write it in my calendar AND my phone. Good idea. Double backup. Where's my calendar. Shit! It's at work. I'll put it in my phone now with a reminder to write it in my calendar when I get to work. Okay, where's my phone? Probably in my purse from yesterday. Which purse did I carry yesterday? I don't remember. Shit. I wonder what I wore yesterday. That's so weird. I don't remember what I wore haahah Oh well..." *checks nearest purse*

"Damn. Not there. oh god, I'm gonna be late for work" *runs upstairs and searches frantically for phone, runs back downstairs* Ugh! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PHONE. *gets angry...hears it ringing...gets happy... and runs back upstairs, finds phone behind bed* "Ah! Here it is!" *looks at the time* "Oh god! I've gotta get out of here. *runs back downstairs* "okay, time to go. Shoot, I forgot my lunch. I wonder if I even have time to grab it." *paralyzed in thought* "I don't know...I guess I could buy something at work. But then again, I'm trying to eat healthier. *still standing still thinking...5 minutes passes* hmm, maybe I'll just grab a protein shake. Dammit, I forgot to make it last night. Okay, let me get out of here." *grabs purse and laptop goes to the door* "Oh Shit! Where are my keys?"


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